Depression and self care: I get up everyday and it's immediately apparent to me how much work I need to do in my life and how much I'm falling behind on it. I have to give myself credit, it has gotten better over the years. I've made a lot of headway towards being organized and clean. Now I feel like I'm %60 "there", which is awesome, but at the same time, I started going back to school. This makes things difficult again. No time, No energy, no drive left at the end of the day to clean, move things and put away. I picture this cozy place in my mind, where I want to be. Where the tiled kitchen floor is nice and clean. Where I can come downstairs in my pajamas and make a nice warm cup of Hug coffee. Maybe make some oatmeal. Put everything away and keep it clean.. Walk across the clean floor in my slippers, sit on the couch... It seems attainable, right? Well, now i currently get up with exactly enough time to gather all of my needed possessions for the day and get the hell out of the house. Walking past laundry that needs to be washed, floors that need to be vacuumed and mopped, boxes of crap that need to be sorted and put away. I feel like my thought process is like this: 6:00AM Ego: "Get up" Id: "No" 6:15AM Ego: "Get up" Id: "NO" 6:30 Ego: "Get up" ID: " 5 more minutes" Ego: "NO" ID: (LONG AND DRAWN OUT SIGH) Superego: SHIT SHIT SHIT (looking around the bedroom) SHIT SHIT SHIT! (walking down the stairs) SHIT SHIT SHIT! (walking through the TV room, dining room, Kitchen, side stairs) EGO: "I can only do what I can do. I'm not the worst human on the planet, I'm suffering from depression working 40 hour weeks and going to school....." SUPER EGO: "ID!! YOU ARE A CHILDISH ASSHOLE! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP HUH?!?!?" ID: "KISS MY ASS!" and it's off to work.....

Fuck it all a fucka' fucking BRAT!!!

I'm having another "down the drain" day. On a day like this, I take a look at all of my flaws and I feel like a hot mess top to bottom. For instance: I can't take care of myself. I can't. It takes me so much effort and it's endless. There's always that spot that I missed and everyone seems to just notice it like a shit stain on a pair of crisp clean undies. I don't give a fuck if I'm coming off vulgar, no one reads this anyway. I can't get in good shape. I have a gut, I weigh over 300 pounds. I'm a tall guy, but that doesn't matter when you're trying on pants and they don't fit around your huge fat gut. I don't like the way I look. I've tried dieting and working out, I just can't get to where I want to be. I can't even get close. Financially I'm screwed. i make piss and I eat all of my money. I don't have anything saved. I have a Bachelor's that I went through hell for. I suck at job hunting and I've been whining like a little bitch about my current job for so long that I've said all that I can say. Grooming isn't an huge issue, but when you don't like the way you look, it's really hard to stay up on that shit. I've been battling depression for a long time. I cut my hair when it gets long enough that I have to style it, I shave my face when it looks like dirt, I cut my nails when they become uncomfortable. I need to brush my teeth more. (one saving grace: I love showers. I stay clean because I can get in a shower and just live there for 20 minutes). I don't wash or maintain my car well enough at all. I don't let things pile up in it, but I should wash it every month; inside and out. Currently, I can write my name in it. My house is the same way. I go through fits of cleaning and organizing, but I never reach that golden spot where "I'm comfortable with my clean and organized home." Now I know what you're thinking: "Why? Why can't you just take care of yourself?" and instead of getting mad at this judgment that people (including myself) eventually make about me, I think: "Do I really know? I mean, I'm depressed.According to my wife and my shrink, I've been depressed, I am depressed and I will be depressed until further notice. But is that really fair? I work a 40 hour work week. I'm going to school to get my Masters in Counseling. But I feel like I'm behind on everything. Like, everything! I can't keep all of the balls rolling. I can't live up to my own standards. I can't measure up to people and I resent them because it seems like they can do it "effortlessly" and I'm always behind the 8 ball. For all the work I'm doing, I feel like I should have more. This may sound entitled, but I Don't give a shit anymore. There are a lot of rich people out there how are fraudulent pieces of garbage and they have what I want. I want to get more, with less effort. That's efficiency. I work, I work hard. I almost feel like I need to "cheat" to get the things that I want. Anyway, I've vented enough for today...