Friendship these days..

I'm not trying to complain here, or say that I am "the loneliest fish in the sea" (Faust) but I do feel lonely. I do feel like I am lacking in friendship and socializing. I only socialize when... I'm with family.. I'm double, triple or quadruple dating, when I'm at work or when I'm with people that want to drink. I was meeting with friends regularly in order to play music, and it's fun. The problem is my anxiety, over being prepared for practice, over socializing, over the trips back and forth to my friend's house in Wayne. I really wish I could "not worry" or just "relax" about it but it's there. That was okay, I was dealing with that without too much difficulty, but now I'm going to school too and it was too much. So I said I need a reprieve until December. I feel like I have a lot of interests and hobbies that I don't really explore.. They include, music, writing, painting, drawing, batting cages, archery, shooting, video-games, martial arts, hiking, camping to name a few. Maybe I'm just really busy right now, and I need to blow of some steam with some friends. I'm trying to do it in a healthy way.. (no drinking, No pigging out, No marathon TV watching).. that's difficult. It's also weird because, I'm an adult now. I don't have the time that I used to and neither do my friends. It's like I have to align Mars and Venus in order to hang out. My wife is really good at that, but I'm an adult, I don't need her to set up a "play date" for me. Bah.. I guess I have to decide what it is I want to do and who I want to do it with. Then, I'll work on the fear.

"You've got so many dreams That you don't know where to put 'em So you'd better turn a few of 'em loose Your body's got a feeling that it's starting to rust You'd better rev it up and put it to use.." ("Nowhere fast" by Fire Inc. from "streets of fire") ... I'm there.. that's how I feel. There are so many that I want, so many things I want to be in life. I'm coming up on 40 and I am exhausted.. .. I have skin issues, allergies, they are really bad. They are currently causing some serious insomnia in my life. It's getting to the point where it isn't just allergic eczema anymore. my skin is turning bright red, I'm having an hard time breathing and when ever there isn't pain, there's itch, whenever there isn't itch there's this dry crackly feeling on my hands and feet. The only thing that will slow it down besides Prednizone is a 45 minute bath in Aveeno, and that only gets me relief for a couple of hours. There is something in my immediate environment that is causing this. I have this terrible feeling that my dog is responsible for it. I could be a cleaner person, I would really like to be. I make efforts, my house isn't that bad, but I am super sensitive to dust, dog dander and mildew. my skin is getting worse than it's ever been. I feel physical pain when I don't scratch and my legs get bloody and cut up when I do... ... So.. just clean your house... I would love to... That unfortunately, requires a lot of time, energy and will on my part to get done. I am doing what I can, unfortunately, it really isn't anywhere near enough. I'm struggling with depression, that's no fun. I've been doing that for years. The symptoms that seem to persist are: Lack of energy, bursts of rage, disorganization and apathy. I really have to struggle to not sit in front of the television... I'm going to college half time now, this actually helps with the whole couch potato thing.. I can't afford to watch TV.. too much to do.. Oh and I have back issues.. shoulder issues... a weight problem.... and a tendency to spiral violently out of control when I'm really stressed or overwhelmed. ... I know Buddhism has a "flaky-hippie" stigma, but it has really helped me get rid of a lot of unnecessary rage in my life. I've whittled it down to a manageable amount, I have my days, still. I am not done, not by a long shot, but I am aware now, that anger is a problem and you ALWAYS have a choice as to how to respond to it. You are never completely powerless to your own anger unless you decide you are.... ... I can only do, what i can do, when I can do it. Procrastination, if used right, can be a healthy and effective tool for staying focused on important things... If you have the ability to turn the blinders on in order to "not deal with something" than you have the ability to turn your blinders on to anything that isn't important. The next step is to prioritize.. One thing at a time. It sounds so simple, and you can say "I get it" until you're blue in the face.. the move you have on your mind, the more stress you'll have in your life... We all need to develop the ability to "let that which truly doesn't matter (at a given moment)... slide" (Fight Club, Chuck Palanuik)

I want to get better. I'm Overweight.. I weigh 330 pounds now. No matter how long I sleep or how well, I always feel tired. This morning it recurred to me that this fatigue comes from all of the extra weight I am carrying around. Every step I take requires 100 pounds more effort than it should. My body is suffering because of it. I am under a lot of stress and all of it goes through my digestive system. I compulsively eat fattening food. I can't stop. I have gotten into the habit of eating poorly because I don't like to cook and clean. I like to exercise, but it seems like, if I feel that I'm not getting results.. I quit. I can't stay determined. I can't. I have so much going on right now. Working out seems impossible for me to do. This feels terrible. This feels like "I will never feel better..." which leads to feelings of "I want to give up on everything... why bother?" But it ends there, for me. I know any thinking further down that road is just as pointless as my destructive compulsion. At least I can turn away from that, and at least at this point it makes sense: "I am tired all the time because I'm carrying around weight that I don't need...."