Blatantly honest Negative morning....

I have an allergy to something... I can't tell what it is. It tends to hit me at night, when I'm in my bed. But it doesn't only happen there. My legs start to itch and it works its way up to my stomach , chest, arms and neck. I try to combat it with anything that may work; oatmeal baths, lotions, Zyrtek, Benadryl, sleep meds, ice-water showers, food and drink. It makes my attempts at sleeping HELL. I've seen allergy doctor's along with a slew of other specialists over it, they prescribe me Prednazone which knocks it out for a couple of weeks, but it pops back up and raises fresh hell afterward. I've found out a bunch of things that I am allergic to, but there is no obvious culprit to my woes. I keep working on different theories and sometimes my efforts yield results, other times I have to ride out the agony. I really need to find the cause of this problem, because now I have other symptoms: Tingling in the legs, and a wave of "vibration" that just comes over me or painful "thrum" (It's very hard to explain).

Last night, nothing worked for very long. I didn't get much sleep at all. Last night's theory was, I'm coming off of a medication and these are the withdrawal symptoms. Which was the unfortunate result of nothing working, I ran my shower out of very cold water, I ate a whole bag of gummy worms, I took meds, I put on lotion, used oatmeal bath, all my typical methods failed. I sat down in my tv room and just let the itch, the thrum, and painful tingling wash over me. It was all I can do. Finally it subsided enough for me to sleep for a few hours, waking up again to shower in cold water. This is absolutely frustrating misery for me. 

So this morning has been hell and my day isn't going to end until 12 midnight...... ugh

Break!

Ooooh sweet winter break, how I have needed you so! I need the sweet relief from Graduate level papers that makes the Christmas Crunch easier to bear! I need the good times, the parties, the food the booze and presents that is the stuff I live for! I need this feeling of merriment at the beginning of winter, we all know the cold place it winds up. I have lots of things to do, and I have precious little break time to do it in. It sounds like I'm in a rush, but for once in the past couple of months, I'm not.

Have a nice day......

I've decided to try another approach to my mountain of shit. What mountain of shit you may ask? Oh! well let me tell you in the calmest way possible... I am referring to the mountain of dirty clothes, dirty dishes, receipts and important papers mixed in with junk mail. I'm talking about dirt that's maybe a few months old. I'm talking about cleaning products that have sat in the same place for so long that now they have piles of dog hair gathered near them. It sounds overwhelming but it could be way worse. It's clutter and disorganization piled on top of stuff that needs to be cleaned. but there's more, I'm in debt. I owe money to someone and I can't seem to knock that balance down. I've managed to keep all the other "wolves at bay" so to speak. But I'm not going to have the money to pay for this debt and the holidays. I also have homework for school due in two weeks maximum. I'm getting to the end of the semester and I have three monster papers I need  to work on. I have health problems: Depression, BAD allergic reactions to something I haven't quite nailed down yet. I'm trying to get a hold of my dr. so I can reschedule an appointment around switching health insurance companies. I have to winterize my house, The inside of my car is a wreck. I'm constantly late to work and when I get there, I'm so wiped out, either by my depression, the meds that fight my depression, or staying up late trying to get homework done before my deadlines. When I get to work, I feel like a joke because I'm aimless. there's so much to do there too, I'm wiped out and overwhelmed to the point of paralysis. I wind up stress eating, raging out, disappearing or doing "busy work."

I've told myself: This isn't working. I can't keep doing stuff like this anymore. I need help (I got help, help doesn't seem to help). I used to get so angy, scream and punch things until I realized that I was only hurting myself more. I'm trying to be compassionate and non-judgmental. Yea I'm buried under a mountain. Deep breaths....

I'm trapped in this job. trapped by my perspective of the world (how ever delusional it may be), I am convinced that I can't find another job that would accept me with the qualifications I have. I'm so convinced of this, that I am now pursuing a masters in social work. In the mean time though, I have to work for free 3 days a week, 8 hours a day. How am I going to do this? I have until September of 2016 to figure this out. In the mean time, I have short-timers disease at my current job. I have burned out and risen again like a phoenix, repeatedly for a span of 20+ years and now I'm just done. I'm done with all of the johnny new guys who walk in with a "Heyyy! this is great!!" attitude.. I'm done with the jaded version of that same guy who says " I have to make money, so I'm doing side-work" and finally I'm done with the Johnny "I don't give-a-f**k" guy at the end of the road who at best, leaves under semi-good terms, at worst he ducks out of places we go because he's ashamed of the things he's done. I CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE. If I work with people who are careless, i cannot change them. I have to change my response to them. I used to get really angry on a regular basis. I used to rant and rave and throw things and pound my fists until I broke or sprained bones. Now? I really don't see the point anymore. I'm done here. I just need to make it official. Every variety of clown that walks through the door, I've seen before. I'm taking off....

So many hours in a day and so much energy...

I look at all of the things that I want to do, all the things I have to do and all the things I need to do; and I realize that if I tried to do them all, every day, I would have no time to live. Living with chronic depression, I find myself failing to keep all of my "self-care" balls rolling.

Things I have to do... 

I'm an adult, I have to pay bills, I have go to work (and actually work when I'm there), I have to keep my truck running, I need to wash my work clothes. I have to keep my front yard maintained, I have to take out the garbage. I have to walk and feed my dog. I have to pay my taxes, parking tickets, summons', car registration and insurance.

Things I need to do...

I'm a human being. I need to shower. I need to brush my teeth. I NEED to floss. I need to put on deodorant. I need to shave. I need to trim my eyebrows and ears. I need to wash my bumming around clothes, I need to wash my nice clothes. I need to wash my underwear and socks. I need to dry all of these types of clothes without having them shrink or mildew. I need to put all of these clothes away so that they aren't wrinkled and so that they can be found when I need them. I like to keep my hair cut short. I need to put my lenses in. I need to take my medication. I need to trim my nails. I need to keep my shoes relatively new (meaning not falling off my feet) and relatively clean (meaning not stinking of feet). I need to keep my truck washed, vacuumed, interior cleaned, rug and upholstery spots shampooed and waxed.

In order to take care of my human hygene needs, l need energy, I need time, I need the willingness to do these things. I need the products and medication necessary to do these things. I need to perform the tasks related to these things in a timely manner. I also need to remember that I can't do everything at once. I need to remember that these things are important to me. I need to remember that I'm doing this because I love myself, not because the world will judge me if I don't.

Things I want to do..

I want to get my MSW, I want a career in social work...I want a nicer car. I want to get my black belt in Karate, I want to earn a washboard stomach, I want to write a book and get it published, I want to have a list of covers that I know how to sing and play well. i want to travel, I want a vacation home. I want, I want I want...


What's the difference?

Having to do something is part of a deal that you make with someone else.

Needing to do something is maintenance you do on yourself. Needing has to do with self care. It helps with your mental healt, physical health, self esteem, and social life.

"Needing to" overlaps with "having to" a lot but it's divided in terms of reasons. If you need to make money, you have to work. If you need heat, electric, water and power, you have to pay your bills. If you need a town to live in, you have to pay taxes, clean up your property and take out the garbage. If you need your driving privelige to remain in tact and your car on the road legally, you have to pay the fees and do what's necessary.

Wanting to... wants are often seen as less important by people. They get neglected and pushed back in the priority pile, because responsibilities and needs come first. I think we're all familiar with wanting to stay home and sleep, but needing to work, wants are controlled by and large by the amount of time, energy and money you have left over after you have fulfilled your responsibilities and taken care of y our needs. But here's the thing, many people feel seriously angry, disturbed or depressed when they can't get what they want because they're too busy struggling for what they have promised and what they need. So wants are important too.

Do not under-estimate the postive power of Grounding.. emotional electrician's union local 151

"Grounding" seems like a very abstract, new age-y word. It's a technique that therapists who treat people with PTSD use to deal with stress and pain. There are a lot of ways to do it, but the four that I've adopted (after googling it on the googley-goo) are as follows...:

1. I found a rock that was dirty and rough. I decided to pick it up and wash it. I hold it and scratch it with my thumb. I've done this for a couple of hours and now it's relatively smooth. Now, it doesn't sound like much, but I run thumb over it, feel it and it off-sets my concentration enough so that my shoulders, my head and my eyeballs aren't roiling with stress. It's a gradual process, it's not going to magically make things go away right away, you have to make a habit of it.

2. Mind games: Pick a category of things. for example: Car makes: Ford.... Chevy.... Jeep... Chrysler... Nissan.... Honda... start searching your mind for different examples of a category (like the ones I just listed) and see how many you can come up with. If you run dry, switch the category: Trees: Maple.... Pine... Oak.... Dogwood... Silvermaple... This searching also takes your brain off of whatever is stressing you out for a bit.

3. Deep breathing: Ugh... People can be so ignorant, and I don't blame them.. but I need to explain something about deep breathing.. It sounds like you're trying to use the force and sadly Obi-wan, nobody on earth has figured out how to do that yet. What people fail to realize is evident in a quote from another movie "Oxygen... gets you high...." Tyler Durden, Fight Club. Now I'm not suggesting running out and buying a tank and some tubes, no, but if you start taking long and deep breaths; you're brain gets more oxygen and YOU START TO FEEL BETTER for a while. So, by all means, TAKE A BIG OLE' HIT OFF OF LIFE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!

4. Positive words... Okay Moon Unit, You have your magic rock, your spacey mind-games, your "use the force" breathing now I give you: Magic words... (roll your eyes, go ahead! it won't relieve your stress, but you'll feel a little superior..). The idea is this, your brain makes associations with words as it uses them, when you're stressed out, you can change what your brain is doing by repeating positive words to yourself... I find myself saying "It's okay" and for a couple of seconds, my brain thinks "it is" and I get relief. If I keep doing this, I'm sure my brain will change it's pattern of irritability.

Now you can look up this stuff anywhere on the web, I'm not the one who discovered any of it. However, I was very skeptical for a long time about the effectiveness of this and I really didn't need to be. I'm trying to save you that trouble. Like anything, you get better at it with repetition. If you got yourself into the habit of stressing out with repetition, you need to get yourself out of the habit with repetition. I hope that my experiences help you to see that this is less of a "tune into the mother ship" stress relief method, and more of a " Gravity is a real scientific principle, just jump off a building and you'll find out. So it THIS!"

I'm having a hard time trying not to be irate right now. I applied for a student loan back in June, apparently I contacted a Dark cyber elf in the netherzone, because, now i have "schroedinger's" Master promissory note: It's there, it's not there, we can see it, but we can't see it. My money is being held up for weeks now and all I'm getting is fertilizer speech: "Oh we still don't see it yet, fill out another one..." "Oh, it's listed as 'pending', you can tell your school to contact us.." meanwhile, the bills that I need that money to pay, are mounting. I get so emotional and stressed about finances. I get to the point where I can't calm down at all. Last night, I made the mistake of drinking coffee after 4 PM because I had a ton of homework to do. Well I ripped right through the homework, but the caffiene kept me up. I got two hours of sleep, and then "wondered why, every little thing sent me into an irrational rage" what ever could have caused it? I really can't underestimate my tendency to stress out and for my body to react in kind. I've had a rough day. I vented and vented and vented. I punched my steering wheel, banged my hand on my desk, I cursed at people, I spazzed out. Not a big day for self control. I really need to work on "grounding" techniques. i have to stay present and then the physical feelings will begin to dissipate (One can only F8cking hope!!)